Self-care is not Selfish

Living with a narcissistic partner can lead to a phenomenon called narcissistic abuse syndrome (also known as narcissistic victim syndrome), in which a person's self-confidence and mental health are adversely affected. Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional and psychological abuse suffered by someone in a relationship with a narcissist. The abuse tends to start slowly. During the early days the narcissist is typically loving and generous, and they may even go over the top with displays of affection, adulation, and extravagant gestures. With such intense attention and special treatment, it's possible that any subtle warning signs are missed. Sometimes, narcissistic abuse is part of a codependent relationship. The narcissist creates a relationship with another person and manipulates them into becoming dependent upon the narcissist. Putting their partner down makes the narcissist feel better about themselves, but they are typically just as dependent on their partner, because they need them to be a target for their emotional abuse. How to recognize a narcissistic partner? Narcissism is a self-centered personality trait in which a person is often preoccupied with their own physical or mental status or image. It involves feeling superior to other people with a sense of entitlement and general disregard for other people's feelings. Narcissists have a grandiose sense of self, with fantasized thoughts and feelings of their achievements or success. They constantly crave praise and admiration from others, and deep down they may actually fear rejection and strongly desire approval or acknowledgment from other people. They have a hard time accepting their flaws and too often blame others for their faults. They have a fragile sense of self. When the traits of this personality type reach the severe end of the spectrum, it's categorized as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and falls under Cluster B personality disorders in the Diagnostics and Statistics Manual (DSM)-5. What are the signs you are in an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissistic? 1) Your partner uses words and language to belittle, invalidate, or manipulate you or control your behaviour—whether they're aware of it or not. As a result, this makes you feel like you are inadequate or a failure. 2) They used to be so loving, so generous in attention and care but the relationship has changed too much and too radically. It is hard to figure your partner out anymore, and they gaslight you regularly (a form of mental abuse in communication that makes you question your own reality and feelings). 3) Being the victim of narcissistic abuse disorder can result in you feeling similar to symptoms of post-traumatic-stress-disorder (PTSD). This include emotional triggers, flashbacks, isolation, detachment, avoidance, and hyper-vigilance. 4) You may feel choked and confused by what you see happening, but also hopeless, and thinking the problem maybe you. You may develop self-doubts from feeling psychologically manipulated. 5) Over time you may try to fix the issues but, in the end, you cannot change the narcissistic partner. The confusion gets stronger, and you will feel lonelier, completely losing yourself, losing your sense of identity. Depression and anxiety symptoms will set in, changing who you used to be. The relationship issue of being with a narcissistic partner will take a severe toll on your emotional health. If you recognize yourself in this type of relationship, it is not your fault. It is very hard at first to recognize the signs until it is too late. However, it is never too late to get help and to decide what is best for your own mental and emotional health. Getting individual counseling will make a big difference in your life. I work with many victims of narcissistic partners and helped them turn their life around. You are not alone.

We all experience conflict at some time in personal relationships, romantic relationships, or with family, co-workers, or friends. How can you navigate it without affecting the quality of the relationships or friendships? Listen and validate what the other person is saying Try not to blame the other individual for the issue, talk about how you feel using the ‘I’ statement, and mention positive points, not just negative comments. Validate before you express your own emotions and ask questions if you do not fully understand. Try to manage your emotions If you get too overwhelmed, take a short break to calm down and come back to the discussion no more than 1 hour later. Make the other person feel understood and appreciated despite the conflict Compromise when needed and express physical affection if appropriate. Understand the value behind the conflict Focus on what can be learned from the situation, specifically what the other requires and accept differences between the two of you. Process the situation and try to focus on the positive Suzanne Dumais MDiv. RP. RMFT., CCFT. Is a qualified therapist and skilled in conflict management when people feel stuck in perpetual conflicts. Couple’s therapy can make a big difference in the quality of life and helping in conflict resolution. Anyone can learn to fight fairly and in a healthy way without losing the quality of their relationships.

Dying is part of life. We all know that one day we will pass away and leave our loved ones. But when death happens prematurely or suddenly, we are left with very difficult emotions to manage. Daily life and reorganizing your life alone are very hard for most people. I personally have experienced many deaths in my life from family members to losing my parents as a young adult. Life was very overwhelming for me. It gave me the understanding needed to help deal with grief and provide therapy. Accepting the loss can take time, but sometimes time alone doesn’t even heal the loss. I’ve found that a combination of time, therapy, and a good support system are the key to eventually healing from loss. Here are some of my personal and therapeutic strategies to help. Let yourself experience the emotions of loss. Get familiar with the five stages of grief as they are important to go through. Shock: Getting the news often results in a deep and empty pit in the stomach, regardless if the death was accidental or after a long illness. Depression: Sadness, crying, low motivation, tiredness, loss of interest in hobbies, insomnia, and anxiety regarding the future are equally normal as they are difficult. Anger: This is a necessary emotion that needs to be expressed by a preferably healthy method. Guilt: People often go through a stage in which they question if they could have done more or done something different in this situation. It’s important to remember it’s never your fault for what has happened to your loved one. Acceptance: This is often the longest stage one goes through as its difficult to learn to live without the person you have loved so dearly. You will learn, however, over the years to adapt and rebuild a life of meaning around other people and yourself. I have found that grief therapy helped my family and I process the loss of our parents and other family members. A good support system and grief therapy are excellent strategies to process this difficult life event and to learn to live a happy life once again. Suzanne Dumais MDiv., RMFT, RP. CCFT is experienced and trained in grief and loss therapy.

The pandemic has affected everyone, some physically and some mentally. Children and teenagers have experienced a complete shift socially, mentally, and emotionally. Closures and restrictions mean families are cooped up together trying to make the best of staying inside. While policy and the virus keep these families from seeing friends, they’re still able to connect within their household. Some have not been so lucky to have socialization readily available at home; what about people who live on their own and are suddenly working from home as well? While everyone is struggling as a result of this pandemic, a person with little access to socialization faces a greater threat of depression, feelings of isolation, and social anxiety by not being able to see their friends, visit the gym, favourite coffee shop, or other venues that regularly benefit one’s mental health. Loneliness is a difficult emotion, exacerbated by the pandemic, for any aged individual. Here are a few tips to help you if you are in this predicament: Acknowledge this as a new normal. Focus on yourself and redefine yourself, who you are, what you like, what are your dreams, what else life has to offer for you despite all of this. Plan ahead of time about what you want to do in terms of scheduling activities or hobbies available to you in terms of restrictions. Express gratitude. Embrace your space by make your home cozy and reflective of who you are. Socialize in the ways you can: speak on the phone with loved ones as often as you can and plan a regular social zoom call with friends. Adopting a pet is also a great way to socialize and enrich one’s life. Learn a new skill: cooking, crafting, etc. Set daily achievable goals. Eat healthily, exercise, and sleep well on regular basis. Manage your stress: learn meditation, prayers, etc. Avoid brain fog, fatigue, and over working during this already exhausting time. Suzanne Dumais MDiv. RP. RMFT, CCFT is a registered and experienced psychotherapist. She understands that what you may be going through at this time is complex and difficult. She offers online sessions that has been helping individuals and couples struggling with the current crises of our time and humanity. You don’t have to feel alone despite all of this.